My mother in law got involved in my marriage and said some really hurtful things to me in front of my children. Well I've been going to my bed almost for 10 years. Reach out, take just one small step towards the outstretched hands that are waiting to grab you and help to heal you. Each day you make it through is one step closer to healing. We are survivors and stronger than we give ourselves credit for. It's a scary place to be on that precipice and most people don't know the pain that drives us there- and that's ok, because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. That hopelessness is overwhelming and can feel in surmountable. You have to fight- I know it's like just sitting a hole that's too deep and slippery to claw your way out. It's always there and it always will be, I know that. I battle everyday that demon and some days are harder than others. It's so hard to see other people enjoying themselves, going out with friends and all I can do is ask why not me? I've gone down that path of despair and jumped off that cliff, the bathtub is no place to end everything, even if that's the first time you feel strength. Mind keeps telling you that it's all an illusion and the dream state is the real world- where you're happy and in control.
The goes by and you try to focus on the world around you, work, making small talk, trying to convince yourself to exercise, but inside your
#I dont sleep alone movie
I look forward to my dreams as I would the excitement of a movie I've been wanting to come out. I know it's an escape but it's addicting. This is the first place where I've admitted all this. so, I feel like I'm constantly 'on stage' with a smile plastered on my face. Not even my husband wants to hear about my depression. I have two forms of release: sleep & crocheting. I decided that handling it myself, was better that medications and their side effect and the price! And so the world goes on and I trudge along with it. I did try meds for awhile, but they were so expensive, I had to stop, cold turkey. Nobody wants to know how I REALLY feel, so I hide it. I used to try to tell people about my depression, but there is no quicker way to lose a friends (another loss) then to mention it or that you are/have been experiencing it for years.
#I dont sleep alone full
I crochet to gain peace and I have a room full of crocheted blankets, throws, shawls, etc. I don't notice how much the world has changed, if I just stay home. The world is changing and leaving me behind. To get out in the world is to be reminded of just how depressing being 60+ is. I'm alone a lot, but that doesn't bother me. I go to sleep as early as possible and I get out of bed only when I just can't sleep another minute. I wake up, looking forward to going to sleep at night. Loss of childhood, loss of innocence, loss of beloved family members, loss of beloved pets, loss of youth, loss of purpose, loss of interest. I've come to the conclusion, that life is all about loss. This is the first time I have ever admitted this to any, other than myself. You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or GooglePlus or on Twitter. When asleep, my heart, my wrists, my bones are intact. It's true, depression will make a person tired regardless, but I suspect my mind, knowing of the relief of sleep, urges its presence rather strongly.Īnd while I know it's difficult to get work down or clean the kitchen while asleep, it's so much better than many of the other options. Why would I ever want to live in a world where the air is acid when I can simply lay my head on goose down feathers and close my eyes?Īnd knowing this, I feel very, very tired. Something that calls to me with inescapable tone. So I'm Tired, A LotĪnd so I find the lure of sleep to be that of a siren. It's just enough unconsciousness to drone out the angry, hateful voices and yet enough consciousness to enjoy it. But somehow it doesn't register the pain.Īnd flickering in and out of sleep is almost as glorious. Somehow, in my dreams, I am never in the agony of depression. Sleeping When You Have Depression Is Less Painfulīut being asleep is different. This ridiculous struggle not to die moment after moment. Depression checks behind rocks, it seems.Īnd the thoughts or the lack of thoughts that go with that depression haunt every blink. The trouble is, not sleeping with depression is horrendously painful. We're expected to be awake most of the time. I've found that during severe episodes every breath, is, in fact, pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something." ~ The Princess Bride
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